i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
