I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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