You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
