Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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