I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
