we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my shit smells like andre
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
