I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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