as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.