just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
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Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning