You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
