I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
