i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
