my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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