It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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