Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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