splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize