There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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