You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
