Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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