Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
