Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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