totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
