I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
