When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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