the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
