I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
