Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
