She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
