My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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