i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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