true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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