My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
