I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
