I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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