When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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