this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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