All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
