We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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