remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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