cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I need a burrito and a hug.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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