and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
