I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
