Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
