I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
