Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i've created a new STD.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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