the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
