I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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