I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
