Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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