He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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