Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
