my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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