who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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