i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
